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Way back at the beginning

The internet archive is a wonderful trove of forgotten treasures. Back at the turn of the century I used my web site for publishing some of my poetry & other creative writings. Cathartic self-expression. A lot of it was fairly bleak, much of it intimately revealing as I departed one life for another. I re-discovered that old web site recently, and whilst I’m not ready to provide a link to all of  it, I am okay with posting the first piece that started it all. And no, it doesn’t rhyme, it’s modern poetry, more akin to stream of consciousness writing for those who like to classify things nice and neatly (like my son. 🙂  )

memories

hazy, dark

an empty whiskey bottle stands alone upon the dressing table

nauseating groan

thumping headache

the room still spinning

look at the comatose body lying next to me

time to wake up, rise and shine, time for you to go home

the day passes

in and out of consciousness

oh god why do I do this to myself

mary mother of god why do I do this to myself

why can’t I stop

further darker memories

rubber tubing

tied tight upon my arm

blue vein pulsing in the light

waiting for the prick of the needle

the  golden warmth

peace, serenity, an end to the pain for a while

stumble out of bed

shower, dress, makeup

kids are home from school

you’ll be home tonight

the lover sent on his way

limbs are shaking

desire is growing like a fast spreading wildfire

rapid breathing

sweating

oh god I can’t go on like this

why don’t you stop me

you’re supposed to be my best friend

you know what I’m like

but you don’t understand the why

and I can’t explain

the darkness that creeps upon me

I just reach for the bottle

and the needle

day after day

time for dinner

the kids are getting hungry

enter the kitchen

smile in place

open the pantry

another bottle of whiskey awaits

just one, to steady the nerves and quell the yearning

another drink, it’ll be okay

and perhaps tonight, I won’t need to touch the needle

I want to touch

the needle

let me

touch

the love

(c) Eské 9 October 2000

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