Home > Uncategorized > But aren’t you straight?

But aren’t you straight?

Recently I was chatting with a friend about sexual orientation and the fluidity of sexual desire. He, like me, identifies as being bisexual but now finds himself in a monogamous, stable relationship with a person of the opposite sex. Does that mean he should now call himself straight? Are we both now heterosexual? 😮

It’s an interesting question. Straight people tend to remain straight, gays tend to remain gay. It seems it’s only bisexuals who see the need to examine their orientation regularly and re-label themselves according to how they’re feeling, what they’re doing and who they’re doing it with.

Just to spice things up, we then need to add to the mix the growing group of people who don’t identify themselves as bisexual or gay, but simply as people who have sex with people of their own gender. I’d call them bisexual but many would disagree, saying that it’s only sex and they’re really straight. I’d call them confused bisexuals but maybe I’m becoming a grumpy old woman?

My long-term relationship raises the question, as it does for my friend, at what point should I re-classify myself? Do I need to?

The longer my heterosexual relationship goes on, the more ridiculous it sometimes feels to me to call myself bisexual. Frankly it’s easier not to even examine the issue and hope it never comes up in polite conversation.

But sometimes it does come up.

I have been at barbecues and parties when someone makes an erroneous generalist statement about gays or bi’s. If I speak up I may possibly reveal my own bisexuality. This shouldn’t be a problem but not everyone is accepting. Homophobia (in all its degrees) is alive and thriving in our supposedly enlightened society. A lot of people still find it confusing and bizarre to be confronted with a bisexual-in-a-straight relationship.

I feel a great reluctance to let my bisexual tag go.

Perhaps only another bisexual or other sexually-fluid oriented person would understand me when I state “I’m a bisexual in a straight relationship and I am not at all confused”. 🙂

I have wandered through the lounge room at parties where the guys are drooling over an attractive female on the TV. “Nice tits”, I murmur. That’s enough to raise eyebrows, the men toying with their lesbian fantasies (sorry guys, it doesn’t work like that) and their wives and partners wondering if I’m a sexual threat to their relationship (sigh, really girls).

It’s this scenario that demonstrates that I am still, most definitely bisexual. I still find people of my own gender sexually attractive. I still lust after women. Given the enjoyment of my current relationship and the importance I attach to it, I am not going to act upon that lust by seeking out a dalliance with another woman. But I will enjoy the fantasy and the desire.

There’s nothing like being served in a store by a vibrant young girl with a healthy cleavage. As she leans forward to take my credit card I’ll have one of those fleeting, flimsy, fantasies whereby the straps of her dress fall off, her beautiful breasts are exposed and the next thing I know one of her nipples is in my mouth, my tongue teasing it out to its full length, the other being caressed by my left hand. My reverie will be interrupted of course, by the signing of the credit card slip and so I’ll take my fantasy home with my purchases, to be taken out and played with later.

When strolling along the beach on a summer’s day, I’m more likely to notice the women than the men.

My porn collection also demonstrates my bisexuality, with its strong component of solo women and lesbian sex. Straight porn has to have a kink factor to get me off. (That’s for another post. 🙂 )

So, to return to my original question. Do I need to re-identify myself given the circumstances of my relationship? No, I don’t believe I do. I am still a healthy, lusty, happily bisexual woman who just happens to be in a straight relationship.


  1. November 5, 2009 at 10:56 am

    I say fuck those people that think they need to fit you in a box just because they aren’t secure. Personally I classify myself as heterosexual, that being said I have engaged in same sex exploration as a teen and still get aroused by homosexual and transsexual fantasies. Can’t say I ever look at other men around me and fantasize, hate the idea of guys kissing(it just grosses me out), but perfectly fine with the idea of them fucking and sucking. So figure that one out. The older I get the more I think – if it gets a some interest down stairs that’s cool with me :). As for porn I lament that fact that I can no longer access free videos (download limit) and have to settle for written erotica, and my tastes vary but kink is definitely in, although I draw the line at scat. 🙂

  2. November 5, 2009 at 10:57 am

    Or was that possibly too much information.

    • November 5, 2009 at 11:14 am


      Interesting what you say about men kissing vs fucking/sucking. Tony Comstock made a terrific doco/video featuring two guys & their relationship. I always remember one of them saying he couldn’t get off on the idea of anal sex (giving or receiving) but hand jobs and head jobs were just fine. I don’t think this is any different to a woman who enjoys a particular sex practice with one lover but not the next lover. I’m sure men folk are the same, it depends on the relationship (be it a one night stand or something more permanent).

      My daughter’s partner is bisexual, and I’ve met numerous men <40-ish who have experimented with same sex fun. Wild generalisation here but it does appear to be more accepted amongst the younger generations. My current partner is in his 50s, very straitlaced (not literally) & conservative and would never, ever experiment with other men. Takes all types to make this world fun. We are who we are.

      Happy reading!

  3. November 6, 2009 at 3:36 am

    You defy classification. Surely everyone finds women attractive? They tend to be much nicer to look at than men…

    Do you have also have a little fantasy where you go round the suburban BBQ trail revealing your sexuality and blowing all their tiny, narrow little minds. It would be such fun to see them picking their jaws up off the floor and you would be the talk of the town for days, weeks even! Barbie invites might dry up from some quarters but who wants to hang out with those dweebs anyway.

    I was discussing various experiences with nudist beaches with someone recently and I could see them squirming uncomfortably in their seats and making a note to cross the road next time they saw me. Blimey, it was only a nudist beach I mentioned attending, not a gang bang!

    • November 6, 2009 at 5:25 am


      I do entertain that fantasy. Funny thing is, it is only around the conformist-suburban circles that I reach the point of exasperation and want to come out with a quiet statement about sex, if only to shut their judgemental, not-really-accepting-even-though-they-profess-to-be-openminded mouths. 😉 Around the arts crowd I tend to be surrounded by all kinds of people enjoying all kinds of interesting lives and thoughts. These people appear to be far more accepting of others’ lifestyle choices. I think much of our Australian society has much to learn from the artistic/creative peoples in our midst.

      How people react to discussions on nudist beaches is funny isn’t it? When I was a very young adult in Adelaide, Maslins Beach was my closest beach. It’s long been a legal nudist beach. But people who didn’t frequent this part of the coast did seem to regard a visit to Maslins as something titillating. Or not to even be mentioned in “polite society”. People need to lighten up and embrace their sexuality and sensuality. Life’s a lot of fun when you do.

  4. November 7, 2009 at 12:13 am

    For people that spend much of their time suppressing their sexuality through the wearing of modest clothing I would imagine that stripping down to nothing carries quite a lot of sexual power/meaning

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